The God of Smex: The Epic of Natsuki
by Natsuki Silverwolf
Summary: Join Natsuki Kruger as she embarks on her epic journey to become the God of Smex whether she likes it or not. Warning: Rating may not be appropriate, was probably drunk at the time. Involves very strange extreme crackfic themes from I don't know where.
1. The End of Libidos

Warning: Extreme crackfic ahead, created while very high on sugar. ENJOY!!

The God of Smex: The Epic of Natsuki

Chapter 01: The End of Libidos

Natsuki Kruger the all-powerful Gakuenchou of Garderobe the all-powerful place of all-powerful magic girls was not happy. She was not happy because until ten seconds ago she had discovered something very disturbing about her lineage.

"Ok run that by me again Yohko," Natsuki demanded.

"Ok apparently our research points to the fact that Schwarz was invited in ancient earth country United States of America on ancient planet Earth by ancient American President Arnold Schwarzenegger."

[Begin Flashback

"I am the Presidenator!" said Arnie.

"Aren't you a Simpson's character?" Matt Groening asked.

"No I vas also in Demolition Man starring Slyvester Stallone. Aaaahh!"

[End Flashback

"And what else did you find out?" Natsuki droned on already knowing what was to come next and dreading it.

"Well as you know you're Teutonic what with your sexy German accent and fetching name Kruger. Countess."

Natsuki glared at Yohko complete with evil censored images and wolf-heads who almost peed herself.

"Well anyway it turns out you're the last descendent of President Schwarzenegger and therefore the living heir to the Schwarz organization.

All over Windbloom the Banshee scream of Natsuki could be heard.

"BLLARRGGHH!! ME EARS!ME EYES!ME NOSE!AND A!!CHEEKS!!" Yohko screamed after getting nailed to the wall by Natsuki, in a non-sexual manner.

[Elsewhere

"It is the cry of our God the descendent of President Schwarzenegger we must answer the call!" proclaimed the leader of Schwarz aka Midori.

"Ramens ready!" Mai proclaimed.

"Oh RAMEN!!" everyone proclaimed and went for Ramen.

[Back in Garderobe

"That's it I'm going for a drink," Natsuki proclaimed and went into town to have a drink.

[Not quite one drink later because she hadn't yet reached the pub

Natsuki came across the Otome shop and saw…

"OH MY F12KING GOD!!" she screamed and kicked the door down and ran straight up to…

Natsuki Kuga figurines, well they were Natsuki Kuga figurines because they had the name Kuga and not Kruger written on them and they look like a younger and cuter version of Natsuki with lots of sexy trimmings combined with loli-bits. The price tag was pretty good, one of them showed her famous hitch-hiking scene, another one her pantyless scene and one of them a tentacle scene.

The Gakuenchou screamed bloody murder, violated the shopkeeper in a way that shall not be spoken off but that he otherwise enjoyed and stormed back to Garderobe. Destroying several cars, buildings, roads and pornshops.

"NOT TEH PR3NSHOPS!" screamed a random bystander right before he was killed by a rolled up piece of tissue paper from Natsuki's jacket pocket that could be used to commit murder by Natsuki Kruger Queen of Awesomeness and p3wning to the maxi.

[Right now

Natsuki kicked down the gates of Garderobe and held an emergency meeting to demand what the bloody hell was going on with the latest extremely ero figurines made of her.

"All your Natsukis are belong to us!" Shizuru stated as she walked into the Gakuenchou's office.

"I'm sick of these Natsuki f king Shizurus in this Natsuki f:)king school!!" Haruka ranted as she walked into the Gakuenchou's office.

"LOL! LOL!LOL!LOL!LOL!LOL!LOL!OMFG!LOL!" Arika blabbered as she walked into the Gakuenchou's office.

Soon all the casted characters with at least one line entered the office including a randomly resurrected Erstin.

"Yai Erstin," Arika squealed before glomping her.

And Harry Potter who was still trying to find out if Natsuki Kruger was his long lost big sister right before Natsuki gave him a Silver Cartridge enema and sent him back to Hogwarts. Since this wasn't Gundam Seed everyone fitted into Natsuki's office all disturbingly carrying Natsuki Kuga figurines.

"Ok I want to know WHY THE HELL DID NO ONE TOLD ME ABOUT THOSE!?!" she pointed to all the plastic models.

"But there so cool and well made," Mahya explained stroking her Natsuki doll and was subsequently tied, gagged, spanked, violated with cucumbers and returned unmarked by the Gakuenchou in three seconds earning her the awe of everyone else.

"Unfortunately Natsuki no one knows, except we now have an extra source of revenue lookies," Shizuru handed Natsuki some papers which revealed to her that the figurine sales had since dwarfed all other sources of revenue making Natsuki very rich.

"Is this supposed to help?" Natsuki quirked an eyebrow.

"Maybe…"

"…Forget it, I'm going to take a shower…oh my shower is broken so I'll be using yours Shizuru," Kruger announced and left.

"Isn't she going to your room?" Arika asked.

"Yes, she is," Shizuru replied.

"Where all your figurine tools are?"

"Yes she is…………AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!" Shizuru screamed assuming her orgasm faceTM (Look on animesuki)

And ran for her life. Everything went into slow motion as Shizuru caught up with Natsuki just as she was about to open her room.

"NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

But she overshot and crashed into a line of students yurifying them all in the process in the way only Shizuru Viola can. Natsuki unfortunately entered Shizuru's room and with scary Alfred Hitchcock sound effects and saw all of Shizuru's equipment used to mass produce the Natsuki Kuga figurines.

"Shi-zu-ru," Natsuki menacingly called her name while glowing like totally evilly (insert extreme girlishness ROFLMAO!!).

Yes, Nat-su-ki?" Shizuru replied trying to remain innocent.

"I've put up with your cheating with Arika, Erstin, Tomoe and Akane! I've put up with you not giving me a hug when I came back! I've put up with your all crazy sex antics for 10 years! And this is how you repay me!?"

"Oh you love it."

"That's I'm going-to have to-punish you!"

Shizuru perked and ran right up to her.

"Give it to me!" she eagerly demanded.

Expecting something kinky she was pleasently surprised when Natsuki put a syringe in her.

"Ooohhh! What was it?"

"Myaaahahahaha! It was the ultimate torture." Everyone else came in to see what was going on. "It is the SUPREME ANTI-VIAGRA!!" she proclaimed in the uber-evil-fashion.

"The what?"

"It is the opposite of viagra I invented, the bane of aphrodisiacs. It completely destroys your libido and renders you unable to get horny!! BWAHAHAHAHA!"

"Gasp! That can't be true."

"Oh? In that case I'm JUSTGOINGTOHAVETOFLASHMYRECENTLYNANOMODIFIEDBOOBSTODCUPTOPROVEIT!" she flashed her perfectly enlarged boobs causing a mass round of nosebleeds.

Unfortunately…Shizuru didn't get any reaction.

"No…NO…NNNOOOOOOO!!!! IT'S REAL! I CAN'T GET MY GRROOOOVVEE OOONNNN!!" in a Darth Vader fashion.

Everyone except Natsuki gasped in pure horror in perfect unison.

"This is horrible, this is worse than when Sakimozi ate that bowl of bad curry and ruined the carpet," Mashiro added.

"SAY WHAT!!!" everyone cringed.

"Fufufufufu, it's the perfect torture to deny people the ability to get it on…And for all the pain and humiliation you all have caused me I'M GOING TO DENY THE WORLD THE RIGHT TO HAVE SEX!! NYAHAHAHA!" she proclaimed and pressed a big red button on a remote control she was suddenly carrying. "This device activates a nano-disperser that disperses the anti-viagra agent across the world instantly. From this moment henceforth you must all suffer the curse of being unable to get it up and going AHAHAHAHA!!!" assuming a God-like pose.

All over Garderobe the students and visitors quickly discovered they were permanently groove crippled causing them all to scream in horror. Soon all of the city then all of the world joined them in a chorus of screams that sounded mysteriously like Beethoven's Ode to the Joy techno-remixed.

[In Aries, 3 seconds later

"It is the Sexpocalypse, the Hornageddon. The End of Libidos. The GOD OF SMEX HAS SPOKEN AND REMOVED ALL OUR ABILITIES TO HAVE SEX!!NYYYOOOOHHHH!!!" Tomoe screamed. "SSSHHIIIZZZUUURRRUUU-SSSSAAAMMMAAA!!!"

And thus began the Epic of Natsuki, her great journey to become the God of Smex. For no apparent reason.

**Next Chapter:** Lord of the Libidos; Return of the Smex! Involing the War of the Horny! LOL!LOL!LOL!


	2. Lord of the Libidos

Author's Note: The idea for the God of Smex: The Epic of Natsuki came to me in a very funny way. I was high on frozen coke after watching the Simpson's Movie when I decided to search for My-Hime doujins and fanarts while reading fanfics and I came to obvious conclusion that Natsuki has zero-libido but Shizuru has infinite libido and teases and annoys Natsuki 24/7 as does every other character for their personal amusement…PAY BACK'S A (Bleep) MOTHER (Bleep) says Natsuki.

BTW the name comes from God of War + The Epic of Gilgamesh the world's first superhero story. LOL! Let the craziness continue…

The God of Smex: The Epic of Natsuki

Chapter 02: Lord of the Libidos: Return of the Smex!

As soon as the anti-pr3n hammer went down and took out all of the world's sexdrives the governments were quick to respond. Rather than rioting the people were very quick to rally together against Gakuenchou Natsuki Kruger who had since been dubbed the merciless and cruel God of Smex. They all in fact launched a counter-attack which was right as of this moment Natsuki was sunbathing in the desert while all the tanks, ships, soldiers and Otome including Garderobe Otome and students were taking potshots at her. Unfortunately she wasn't called the God of Smex for nothing and conveniently had with herself a powerful device as a necklace known as…THE CHARACTER SHIELD which actually looked like Guilty Spark from Halo and believe me nothing is more invulnerable than that guy. So right now all their attacks basically fizzled and disappeared before they could even touch her. Anyone who tried to go up and punch, grab or stab her ended or up punching or kicking themselves. All stabs were subsequently turned to them kicking themselves in the buttcheeks.

[Minute 30 without libido

"Yohko-sensei what are we going to do?" ranted Arika.

"By the way didn't Natsuki nail you to a wall in a non-sexual manner?" Nina asked.

"Hey where did you come from?" Arika asked Nina right before she got glomped by Erstin, unfortunately because Natsuki the God of Smex had killed all Libidos nothing happened and Erstin went to a corner to cry.

"The mountains, 3 seconds ago."

"Oh ok. Anyway what about you Yohko-sensei."

"Uh yeah, thankfully the Gakuenchou only used staples."

[Flashback errr video-recording, yeah they have those now

"AAARRRGGGHHH!!!" Natsuki screamed pulled out her stapler and fired staples at Yohko one of them got in her ears, then her eyes, her nose and her asscheeks causing her to face-plant into a wall knocking herself out.

"BLLARRGGHH!! ME EARS! ME EYES! ME NOSE!AND AOoCHEEKS!!" Yohko screamed and ran into a wall.

[End flashback err video-recording…is this a video-recording or a holo-recording?

"Oh I see now hehhehheh, anyway we need to do something about Natsuki's permanent sex ban Shizuru-onee-sama has really gone off the walls and we aren't even 30 minutes into it."

In the corner of Natsuki's office (which they are all currently in) Shizuru had reverted to an animal like state making strange noises, wearing panties on her head and playing sim date games.

"Oh don't worry about her she's like my brother all the time."

"Oh…that's kind of sad actually."

"Speaking of which how the hell did all the Otome and armies of the Earl reach the back desert of Windbloom so quickly?" Nina asked.

"Sea-turtles Nina, just sea-turtles," Yohko explained.

Thoroughly confused and bewildered she was presently too sober to care.

"Well can you do anything?" Arika asked.

"Sorry the Ultimate Anti-Viagra along with the dispersal system was invented by Natsuki in her childhood in the land of Windbloom and in Estate of Count Kruger's the mini-Countess Natsuki forged in secret the One Remote Controller to p3wn them all and into it she poured all her craziness, chastity and something she left in her fridge for too long," Yohko proclaimed dramatically with special effects and an impersonation of Kate Blanchett. "And there is no cure, save for the One Remote Controller to p3wn them all forged by mini-Countess Natsuki in the land of Windbloom."

"So you're saying we can undo it if we take the One Remote Controller back to the Estate of Count Kruger where it can be destroyed?"

"Arika you've been reading too much Lord of Rings."

"Eh?!!" Arika quirked her jaw and eyebrow

"Anyway we can't do anything, everything now lies with Natsuki," she stated in another Lord of the Rings-esque fashion.

"O rly Gandalf," Irene dryly noted.

[Sort of later, more like now

"Yes, did you call me?" asked Nao.

"No."

"Ok," Nao left.

Yohko, Arika, Nina, Erstin, Mashiro and Irene all went to see Natsuki who was still surrounded by all the soldiers and Otome in the world. However with their libido stripped from them and their efforts made worthless by the annoying PLOT DEVICE I mean CHARACTER SHIELD (the PLOT DEVICE is something else) with big bold and friendly letters all of them were currently on the ground panting from exhaustion. Haruka had even turned to the un-Haruka like act of begging before Natsuki to remove the Curse of the No-Sex Day.

"Please, give us back our libidos. This is cruel and unusually and horribly unpleasant," surprisingly Haruka had lost her will to fight and her tendency to mispronounce things ever since she had lost her ability to make out with Yukino which was causing extreme moral loss to the people of Aries.

To make matters worse without sexdrive industry had grinded to a halt and people were basically doing nothing causing stock markets to hit all time zeroes. This was the worst depression in history and 30 no wait 31 minutes hadn't even passed yet!

"Why can't they hurt her?" Arika asked Yohko.

"Because Natsuki has the annoying Necklace of Invulnerability," with only two capital letters in the Dungeons and Dragons style.

"I thought it was the CHARACTER SHIELD?" Arika asked equally dramatically for no apparent reason.

"It's that too."

"How did she get it?"

"I have no idea."

"Isn't the no-libidoness getting to Gakuenchou?"

"No," all one billion eyes turned to Yohko.

"Why not?" they all asked creating such a powerful shockwave that it ricocheted off the sky and demolished Mashiro's castle.

"NOT AGAIN!!" she screamed and forgot about her troubles with ice cream.

"It's because when Natsuki first invited in the land of Windbloom and in Estate of Count Kruger's when the mini-Countess Natsuki forged in secret the One Remote Controller to p3wn them all and into it she poured all her craziness, chastity and something she left in her fridge for too long…" again with the LoTr-ness followed by a pause to catch her breath. "She accidentally fell into the cauldron she was using at age 6 thus permanently destroying her libido. She's been that way ever since."

Silence followed, followed by a very long and loud round of sympathetic crying from everyone within a 100 miles.

"That's horrible, age 6 to be permanently denied the joys of getting it on. That's a fate worse than rotting in Hell!" Haruka cried.

Subsequently everyone went home leaving Natsuki to go do something else which happened to be playing an ancient but mighty artifact known as the PSP3 uncovered some weeks ago still in its box with batteries no less and a life-time supply of free games including Metal Gear Solid 10, Final Fantasy 33 and Harry Potter 95. Her shield was still on so no one was getting their grooves on again for quite a while.

"So she's never had a libido?" Arika asked.

"Nope, in fact back in her school days everyone nicknamed her Zero-Libido Kruger which was what made Shizuru fall in love with her. Wanna hear?"

"Oh!Oh!Oh!Yes!Yes!Yes!" all the underaged girls suddenly asked.

"Well sorry but you'll have to wait till the episode because I'm going to go get drunk," Yohko happily announced and walked off only to fall to her knees crying. "But it's just not the same when Midori isn't around and when I can't get horny!" she cried.

"Wow, they've really gone off the deep end," Irina commented. "Makes you wonder when the Gakuenchou went off the deep end before and now?"

"Did you call?" asked Nao.

"No!" everybody said.

"Well there's no reason to yell!" Nao sobbed and ran off crying like a little girl. "Hey wait a second the title says Return of the Smex! Where's the BLARGH!! ME EYES!!"

**Next Chapter:** Maidens of the Windbloom: Curse of Zero-Libido! Featuring chibified characters and the Real Ship of Garderobe. Wait don't you mean real shi-BLARGHH!! MY INNARDS!!


	3. Maidens of the Windbloom

The God of Smex: The Epic of Natsuki

Chapter 03: Maidens of the Windbloom: Curse of the Zero-Libido!

"Alright sensei, will you tell us about the story of the Gakuenchou now?"

"Did somebody call?" Nao asked once more.

"Jesus Christ no wonder they had your name changed to Juliet!" Nina cursed.

Nao then went away to do what Nao does or at least what Nao does now, now that Nao no longer has the libido to do what Nao does right now. Geez it must suck to be named Nao. Eh Nao?

"Will you shut?" Nao asked.

"Now now," Shiho consoled before Nao threw her out the window. Fortunately she was impaled on her maki maki thing making it a quick death however since this is a PG rated fic she resurrects three seconds later.

"We won't be seeing her for a while."

"So what…do we do here?" Nina asked trying to avoid saying the dreaded name.

"Ok I'll tell the story of the Gakuenchou Natsuki Kruger."

[Cue Flashback-esque narration by Yohko

"The EVIL (with big capital letters) Gakuenchou Natsuki Kruger was born in the remote region somewhere North of here under the ownership of Count Kruger her big daddy. Natsuki lived an otherwise peaceful and aristocratic life and she was actually quite a nice little girl."

The scene with chibi Natsuki being nice and everything suddenly rolls by the scene.

"Hey wait a second is that physically possible?!" Nina asked shocked at her sudden ability to break the fourth wall.

"Just ignore like the rest of us, you'll preserve your sanity longer."

Unsure whether or not she really wanted to preserve her sanity upon realizing she was just an animated mass of pixels Nina shut the hell up and listenned to Yohko.

"Natsuki was actually quite nice up until it happened."

"She grew up?" Arika asked.

"Nope."

"Her boyfriend dumped her?"

"She never had a boyfriend."

"She realized that global warming really is…" Arika asked but was cut off when Yohko threw a brick she pulled out her very large butt pocket at Arika's indestructible face.

"She discovered the argaiv mushroom," Yohko ominously stated.

"Isn't that just viagra spelt ba…(THWACK) BLARGGH!! MY EYE SOCKETS!!"

"Anyway despite being very young Natsuki was already a genius in well just about everything just like she is in My-Hime; she's like a freakin superspy at age 16 for crying out loud. Until Nao leeched off a lot of her coolness and failed miserably when she put on that pink-striped out, I mean it's a pink-striped shirt and she like has homos for a gang. Anyway enough 4th wall-ness this isn't Metal Gear Solid and she was naturally a very curious young girl. So she took the mushrooms and made a soup out of them unfortunately she fell into the cauldron she was using getting minor degree burns and permanently destroyed her libido."

"Is that why she's always so grumpy and sullen?" Arika asked.

"Well yes er no, actually I'm not sure the last person who asked hasn't yet been completely found."

"Completely found?" Yohko was about to answer her but Nina interrupted. "Actually I don't want to know."

"Anyway it had a profound effect on her personality and 6 years later she went to Garderobe where the Gakuenchou of that time will remain faceless and nameless."

A vaguely humanoid mass of pixels waved offscreen with the words Gakuenchou written on it.

"Uh shouldn't we at least try…"

"IT SHALL REMAIN FACELESS AND NAMELESS!!" Yohko threatenned and everyone shut the hell up. "Anyway as soon as she got there it didn't take long for her to become the No. 1 Coral. She was pretty, popular and well-loved even after Mai came along. Lots of Pearls wanted her as room attendant including Haruka but…"

"But?"

"Things went in motion. You see Natsuki also wanted to become Shizuru's room attendent but purely for intellectual reasons since Shizuru was at the time No. 1 Pearl and at the time they were the most popular potential pairing. In fact they even had a huge cult following."

Yohko reveals all the various fanfics, fanarts and other items invented in the name of that pairing. All in disturbingly large numbers.

"But Natsuki as you know didn't have a libido so any pairing was impossible."

"So how did they get together?"

"Well it went something like this. On Mai's first day into Garderobe Natsuki the No. 1 then was asked to take care of her. Mai quickly noticed that Natsuki wanted to be Shizuru's room attendent but Shizuru although wanting the same thing was still holding it off and pretending that nothing was happening because she wanted to maintain her large harem. Coincidentally it was also the same day Tomoe snuck into the campus grounds. Mai eventually became Haruka's room attendent and together they staged a battle which Shizuru won that would get her to take on Natsuki. And she did."

"Oh oh does that mean they eventually did this and that?"

"Unfortunately no."

"Huh?!"

"Well the scene was perfectly set up for it. In fact everything had been romantically prepared the candles, the incense, the dinner, the bed, lots of aphrodisiacs for food and the moonlight all perfect make-out environment. Unfortunately Natsuki being the romantically and sexually ignorant person she was…is didn't get it until the actualy start of the deed at which point she said…"

[Years ago, how many I have no idea

"Sorry Shizuru-onee-same but I don't find you sexually attractive."

[End flashback…that was a flashback?!

"Needless to say Shizuru was in hospital for quite a while suffering from internal organ failure and strangely massive rectal haemorhaging. To make matters worse all the girls who had been listenning in which happened to be all of them except for Mai and Haruka suffered simulteneously heart-attacks. I was a nurse in training at the time and boy was that one hell of a day. Unfortunately for Natsuki she was blamed for the catastrophe and she lost half her points hence why Mai caught up with her and became No. 1 so quickly."

"What happened after?"

"Well Natsuki was annoyed to say the least but not having any libido she didn't ever pick up bedmates whatsoever. On the other hand her ability to get embarassed was unaffected which simulteneously made her sexist woman alive and the cutest girl alive which resulted in a lot of suitors both male and female of all ages all of whom were rejected due to her zero-libido-ness. However Natsuki's badluck streak had only just begun. Although she was smarter, prettier, more popular and richer she was not luckier than Mai. First her boobs didn't outgrow Mai's second although she usually scored better in grades in battles with Mai she would usually lose because of some unusually and generally painful accident. See this."

Yohko showed them a picture of an angry Natsuki with a plaster on her forehead being hugged by Mai.

"Mai actually didn't win, Shizuru distracted Natsuki by making some lewd comments resulting in her running into a wall. Same with this picture."

She showed a similar scene with more Otome in Pearl Robes.

"Oh, so that's what happened. Anyway what happened next?"

"Something very interesting. Shizuru had become very obsessed with Natsuki because she was the only student in Garderobe whom she hadn't slept with."

"Did she try to bang her without her consent."

"Well no, well actually yes she did try but Natsuki isn't the second most powerful fighter in the world next to you Arika for nothing. And she's not even a main character in this series."

[Several years ago, let's say about 3. Wait does that mean Natsuki is only 19…

KA-CHING!KA-CHING!KA-CHING!KA-CHING!KA-CHING!WHACKUMS!!

"BLARGH!MY INNARDS! NATSUKI!!" screamed Shizuru as Natsuki whacked her with her huge rod.

The baton they use, the baton!

[Back to the Future. NOT THE MOVIE!!

"So what did she do?"

"Well Shizuru eventually became Column numbah 3 with the Graceful Amethyst but she manifested one unusual addition to her robe."

"What's that?"

"Lots of purple tentacle coat tails."

Picture suddenly appears in the background pointing to the unique numerous coat-tails on Shizuru's robe.

"Doesn't the Gakuenchou and Haruka-onee-sama also have those?"

"Well yes, Haruka only added them to compete with Shizuru, she has no idea how to use them. Natsuki has them on the account of her exceptional skill. You'll actually notice that she's the only one who really knows how to use so many properly. Well Shizuru sort of did…for a while…until she got that restraining order."

"Say what now?"

"Oh well you right after Shizuru became the Graceful Amethyst Mai disappeared after the Shinso wanted her to become the the 4th Column."

"And this is the part I missed which I wanna hear," Mai exclaimed suddenly jumping through an open window with Mikoto.

"How long have you been there?" Erstin asked, yai her first line.

"Ten seconds."

"Oh."

"Anyway back to me. Natsuki then became No. 1 again and all her bad luck stopped like magic."

"Mai was making Shizuru distract Natsuki wasn't she?" Nina frowned.

"Actually she was," everyone glared at Mai.

"Ah-hahahaha!" Mai nervously laughed and scratched the back of her head.

"Anyway Natsuki was eventually selected to become the Otome of Count Kruger until…Shizuru stormed the ceremony and kidnapped Natsuki with her tentacles and took her to some remote location I can no longer remember."

"What happened next?"

"What else, they had sex, well Shizuru did anyway for three weeks."

"THREE WEEKS!!" everyone gaped.

"Yup three weeks. The brilliant thing about Natsuki's condition is that you can ride her but she never gets off. So it's like doing a living, breathing, screaming, blushing, squishy, warm and wet sex toy that never runs out of batteries and never wears out. Which for Shizuru who has a nearly infinite libido and stamina makes the perfect bed partner."

"And what happened after that?"

"They showed up in the school after the 3 weeks. Well Natsuki came back all normal and everything, except for being mildly embarassed and losing a bit of her ego. While Shizuru came back covered in bruises and looking like she hadn't had any sleep in weeks."

"Oh so that's what she meant in that episode," Tomoe suddenly annouced. "Well that's all for me by," Tomoe jumped out the window and ran to the gate then jumped over the gate and ran off into the distance.

"What the traf was that?!" Arika asked about the randomness.

"God knows. Of course this meant that Natsuki was the ultimate sex partner because without a libido she was like the energizer bunny she just kept on going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going!" Yohko paused to catch her breath. "All of the other girls tried to bed her as well and one way or the other found out that it was true. Anyway they jailed Shizuru for kidnapping and etc. but then Natsuki was chosen to be the 2nd Column and got the gem the Ice Silver Crystal know as one of the most powerful in existence and the most sensible useful in existence. "

"Why most sensibly useful?

"Well she's the only Otome in history that uses a very long ranged cannon. There's a good reason why we invented guns in the first place you know. So one day Shizuru broke out of prison and tried to kidnap Natsuki again. Which was when she whipped out her big ass cannon and p3wned Shizuru to the maxi at 10 miles."

"Wow that's pretty far. I can't even count that with my fingers and toes!" Arika gasped and got smacked by Mashiro who also had to admit she couldn't count that many miles with her fingers and toes.

"Unfortunately for them all the other Otome who had gathered that day which happened to be all of them confused the situation and attacked Kruger. Who having plenty of distance sniped them all with her Bolt of the Blue level energy cannon before they could even get within melee range."

"She beat all the Otome on Earl?!"

"Yup, that's why they made her leader of the Columns, The Director of the United Nations and the Principal of Garderobe all at the same time."

"Wait isn't the United Nations an ancient Earth organization?" Irina asked.

"Yeah well unlike with Gundam Seed Sunrise never named this planet's UN which I'm actually quite grateful for."

"Oh and what happened to Shizuru onee-sama?"

"Well they put a restraining order on her that stated she couldn't use her robe without Natsuki's permission and she could never use her tentacles I mean coat-tails again. And more or less she became Natsuki's bitch of course she didn't care since Natsuki finally fell in love with her purely for intellectual reasons and Shizuru got to have all the sex she wanted. And that's the story of how Natsuki lost her virginity I mean how Shizuru and Natsuki got together…And how she lost her virginity anyway. The End…ish."

Mai, Erstin, Irine, Mikoto and Arika clapped at the happy ending while Nina and Mashiro just gaped. Three seconds later they screamed "BLARGH! MY SANITY" and joined them in their blissly anime madness.

"But the story doesn't end here," Yohko dramatically proclaimed.

"Nope. We still have story to cover. MWAHAHAHAH!" Arika added and got glared at by everyone else. "Sorry, I won't do it again," she squeaked and hid in a corner.

**Next Chapter: **Natsuki Kruger and the Inconvinient Plot Device.

"Natsuki-san are you my sister or not?!" Harry Potter demanded right before Natsuki did things to him that shall be spoken of. "BLARGH!! MY (BLEEP)!!"


	4. The Inconvinient Plot Device

The God of Smex: The Epic of Natsuki

Chapter 04: Natsuki Kruger and the Inconvenient Plot Device.

"Yohko-sensei why does Harry Potter keep on showing up only to get horribly p3wned by the Gakuenchou everytime and who is this Harry Potter anyway?" Arika innocently asked.

"Well you see as it turns out our research suggests he was either a fictional novel character or a deity from the 21st Century Earth. Our research tends to favor the latter though and it also indicates that he became even more popular than the other God of that time who was named Jebus."

"Jebus?"

"Yeah, we're 100 sure that was his name and he was a White man. Anyway our research also suggests that if Natsuki is not the descendant of Arnold Schwarzenegger then she's the descendent of Harry Potter or both. You see Harry Potter is described as having black hair, green eyes, having a thunderbolt shaped scar and attending a magical school for Wizards and Witches. Kruger is High German for Potter (it really is), she has green eyes and black hair she dyes blue."

"I though she was naturally blue?" Arika asked again.

"No if you read the manga she's got black hair and so does Nina, no one else has color changes but them," Yohko explained breaking the 4th wall again, you think they'd be no wall left after all the times it's been broken down, it's like the Wolverine wall or the Cell wall or Majin Buu wall or the Goku wall, it keeps on coming back…

"You know what I don't get? Why does everyone get to keep their natural hair color except for us dark blue haired girls?" Nina asked ignoring the sheer weirdness of her surroundings.

"I've no idea, also Kruger has her thunderbolt hairpin in her hair and she's the principal of a school for training Magical Girls. Now doesn't that seem suspicious?"

"Are you sure about the blue hair being black thing, isn't it more likely that it's artistic transition or bad lighting like the Evangelion manga?"

"Actually now I don't know, the point is Natsuki Kruger is obviously modeled by Sunrise to take the piss out of Harry Potter hence why he keeps on showing up."

"Oh I see, so the Ghost of Harry Potter is lonely then?" Arika innocently asked.

"He was a Ghost now?" Everyone quirked an eyebrow and suddenly remembered the mess left behind the janitors had to clean up after Natsuki got rid of Harry Potter all those times. They had to use large amounts of Vaseline, bleach and turpentine.

"Anyway the good news is…"

"Mashiro is dead?" asked a random Winbloomian bum right before Mashiro turned him into a eunuch.

"The good news is I found a way to DEFEAT THE ALMIGHTY GOD OF SMEX!!" Yohko dramatically proclaimed.

Everyone perked up at the announcement and the entirety of the campus and much of the World gathered around Yohko. Natsuki walked by looking grumpy with pocky in her mouth and everyone ran home, some of them even wet themselves. 55 seconds later Natsuki walked by again with a cup of coffee and a newspaper with the cover page titled "God of Smex: The End of Libidos is upon us!" before she disappeared back into her room. Life had gotten very boring ever since she applied her Godly powers to remove the libidos of the world. Crime rates were at all time zero, people had stopped arguing and fighting, there were no more wars, 99 of sicknesses had been cut with the self-imposed disappearance of hypochondriacs and people suffering from Herpes and so did political debate and people were in general getting along perfectly well. Even though they were all horribly miserable without all of the above…and sex. And it hadn't even been 40 minutes since Natsuki pressed her Red Button of Doom.

"The good news is I discovered an ancient artifact of immense power that will defeat even the mighty GOD OF SMEX. THIS ANCIENT ARTIFACT IS SO POWERFUL THAT IT MUST NOT BE NAMED, SO PRECIOUS IT CANNOT BE SPOKEN OF, SO DANGEROUS IT WAS SEALED AWAY BY OUR MOST ANCIENT OR ANCIENT ANCESTORS. IT IS THIS!!" Yohko recited very dramatically and pulled a photo taken last week.

"Isn't that just a bottle of mayo?" Irina quirked an eyebrow.

"How is that dangerous?" Nina asked quirked an eyebrow.

"LOOK IT'S NON-LOW FAT!!" everyone stared at her strangely except for Arika who gasped in genuine shock actually comprehending the situation but was genuinely concerned with her weight even though she was as scrawny as hell.

"How is that supposed to help us?" Mashiro quizzed.

"If quizzes are quizzical what are tests?" Erstin randomly asked after hearing the word quiz.

"If quizzes are quizzical what are tests?" she asked again before Nina shoved her face into her chest to shut her up.

"It's not just any bottle of mayo, it's an ancient bottomless bottle of mayo with infinite mayo that belongs to Natsuki. SHE WILL SCOUR THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH TO GET IT BACK IF STOLEN. SHE WILL RAZE ALL FOUR CORNERS OF THE UNIVERSE TO KEEP IT. AND THUS SHE HAS HIDDEN IT WELL. TO FIND IT WE WILL THE NEED THE AID OF OUR MOST TRUSTED AND SKILLED CHAMPIONS. IT WILL BE AN EPIC QUEST THAT WILL INVOLVE MUCH…"

"Found it," Nina suddenly interrupted and pulled out a large bottle of white stuff.

Everyone gasped and gaped at Nina then finally the lolicons all hugged her in very suggestive fashion.

"OMFG!! IT'S…IT'S…IT'S………THE PLOT DEVICE!!" Incidentally the words PLOT DEVICE in big friendly letters were written on the label on the jar. "WHERE DID YOU FIND IT?"

"Behind the large pile of peanut butter in the fridge. Who eats so much peanut butter anyway?"

Erstin whistled in a corner but no one was listening to her.

"Ok now what do we do with it?" Nina asked trying to fend off the fangirls.

"Well we can either threaten Natsuki with its destruction or have Arika eat it then have her fight Natsuki."

"Why fight and why me?! If I fight her she'll rape me, rape me thru the knickers me lassie!" Arika comically demanded suddenly with an Irish accent.

"Hello zero-libido? She won't touch you…in that way," Yohko rolled her eyes sideways.

"But I'd like her to," Arika fiddled with her pigtails. "BTW why should I eat it?"

"Well as it turns out Natsuki has a rare genetic gift that is believed to have started from a mythological line on ancient Earth. The story goes that a Super Saiyan named Goku one randomly impregnated the leader of a group of female warriors known as Sailor Scouts, the leader was Sailor Moon resulting in the production of a bi-curious principally lesbian loli-girl named Pretty Cure Black who eventually teamed up with another bi-curious principally lesbian loli-girl named Pretty Cure White with whom together became a gay couple that also happen to fight garish-looking evil monster and thus created the first ancestor of the Kruger line Natsuki Kuga who eventually became the most powerful magical girl in existence and the only magical girl in existence WHO WORE PANTS!! And a trenchcoat and used guns that actually fired real bullets and kicked balls. Actually I'm fairly convinced Mai and Natsuki were inspired by PreCure, if not then Natsuki and Shizuru were inspired by either Kannazuki no Miko or Maria-sama Miteru."

"Oohhh!!" everyone was in awe.

"She's the one who started the tradition of the Gakuenchou's wearing pants, invented a system that preceded the Otome system and otherwise kicked butt. She was even more awesome than Chuck Norris."

"Who's Chuck Norris?"

"…Actually I have no idea, oh well anyway because of being the descendent of the Super Saiyan Goku Natsuki Kuga's descendents including Kruger and Arika have the power to become MAGICAL SUPER GIRLS WITH GLOWING YELLOW HAIR!!"

"Ooh…hey wait a minute does that mean I'm related to the Gakuenchou?!" Arika gasped.

"Actually yes. You are the descendant of Natsuki's clone/sister Alyssa Searrs, Lena Sayers was the last to have her name in any noticeable fashion. Though when I red the manga it states that Alyssa was created using Natsuki's DNA and the Searrs President DNA which scientifically means Natsuki is Alyssa's mother not her sister…"

[Several thousand years ago…Possibly, I'm still not convinced My-Otome is in the same universe as My-Otome

"Alyssa, I'm your mother!" Natsuki announced beneath the Church in the Darth Vader-esque.

"No! It can't be true," Alyssa gasped.

"Search Miyu's databases, you know it be true. The Obsidian Lord has seen this day. The day I discover I'm actually a mommy and take you Disney Land forgetting about this whole god-damn mess with Hard Gay wannabes and yuri series rip-offs!" Still in the Darth Vader fashion.

"Ooh! Disney Land! Ok I'm going," exclaimed Alyssa with glee.

"Actually she is your mum Alyssa and incidentally my mum as well."

"She is?"

"Well they used her cells to make me so yes she's our mum. Where else do you think we got our awesomeness from?"

"Yai!"

"Hey wait a minute what about the Golden Millenium?" Joseph Greer asked right before he was stabbed, shot and eaten by rabid hamster-like Orphans. Oh and had his legged humped by Duran who also peed on him.

[A long time later. On a planet far, far away…named Earl! You know that really sounds bad, it's like calling it Earny or Melvin!

"…AWESOME, I'M ALSO A GOD OF SMEX THEN!!! YAAAIII!!! I'M AN INGAMI!!"

Note: In means sex in Japanese, like Injutsu from La Blue Girl and Gami is usually added to God names. Like Shinigami or Nekogami.

"That's not a good thing Arika," Mashiro pointed out.

"Of course it is, that's the best thing in the world."

"Actually it is," Miyu added.

"Miyu where did you come from?!"

"The bathroom, I must say the Gakuenchou certainly has an awesome toilet seat. It's actually made of gold."

"Wait if we're related does that mean that you've also been protecting Natsuki-sama?"

"Actually yes it was me that saved her when Nina blasted you into the desert not Nao."

Surprisingly Nao didn't show up this time even though her actual name was called.

"It wasn't?"

"Do you think Nao could have done it at that close range but Natsuki couldn't. They were both out cold Nao just woke up sooner. She just claimed credit to earn more brownie points with Natsuki."

"Don't tell me she also wants to sleep with her?"

"Actually she does but don't tell Shizuru that."

"So why don't you protect her as much as me?" Arika sweetly asked.

"Actually before you were born I did, then it happened."

"It?"

"Yes, it was during a celebration in Windbloom castle years ago when she was 3 years old. Schwarz attacked…and Natsuki p3wned them all…and I must say I've never seen anyone cause some much pain and humiliation with an empty plastic bottle of water."

Strange thoughts passed through the minds of everyone after hearing that wondering what exactly did the Gakuenchou do those Schwarz people with that empty plastic water bottle.

"So I decided she didn't protection anymore. Anyway goodbye," She waved and jumped out the window expecting Alyssa the bird to transform into a giant eagle and carry her away, she was disappointed to find that Alyssa couldn't right after she squashed her causing her much pain and distress until Alyssa randomly resurrected again and proceeded to attack Miyu's boobs forcing her to run out of Garderobe and Windbloom.

"Iyaaa! Yamete! Tasukete!" she screamed as she ran but no one was listening.

"Ok Yohko-sensei why must I eat the mayo??"

"Because if you eat the mayo you'll transform into a MAGICAL SUPER GIRL then you might have a chance against Natsuki."

"If it's so powerful than why didn't the Gakuenchou ever use it before."

"Oh she did. You see a couple of years ago Natsuki saved Shizuru from getting barbecued by lifting her over her head to avoid a fireblast from a Charizard like Slave but got stripped in the process flashing much of the world. So she then ate her Mayo with Popeye sound effects, transformed into a Super Saiyan I mean MAGICAL SUPER GIRL and p3wned all the ones who didn't die of massive blood loss with a stick of strawberry pocky."

"Oh! Sounds good let's try it out!!"

"Well there is one problem."

"What's that?"

"Well you see, although Natsuki did p3wn several thousand enemy soldiers it took her 50 episodes to do it."

"FIFTY EPISODES!!" Everyone gasped and their jaws hit the concrete.

"Yes, you see when she goes MAGICAL SUPER GIRL time inexplicably distorts causing battle events to take several years to finish where in which participants spend 9/10s of each episode talking the same crap over and over again while exchanging poorly rendered repeated scenes of them punching and kicking each other. We're not exactly sure what causes it but in the meantime everyone is affected by it causing them to either die from boredom caused by them eating their own limbs off to escape or causes them to go insane or they survive but are forever disturbed."

"Ok so we're going with threatening the Gakuenchou," Nina declared.

"But…" Arika began.

"WE'RE GOING WITH THREATENNING THE GAKUENCHOU!!" and Arika scurried off.

On cue Natsuki appeared with her new mega boobs bouncing around.

"Damn it's hard to move with these things. I'm going back to a C cup," she announced and surprisingly without their libidos no one protested.

"AH IT APPEARED!!" everyone screamed.

"What's everyone talking about?" Natsuki asked confused.

With that Arika shoved the bottle of white stuff into Natsuki's face.

"We have your precious possession, THE PLOT DEVICE NOW GIVE US BACK OUR LIBIDOS I HAVE A MAKEOUT SESSION WITH MASHIRO WITH MY NAME WRITTEN ON IT!" Arika ranted getting caught up in the moment.

"That's sour cream and it says BLOT DEVICE."

Upon closer inspection and tasting said white stuff they found indeed it was sour cream and the words PLOT DEVICE was actually BLOT DEVICE with the lower half of the 'B' rubbed off.

"This is my PLOT DEVICE."

Natsuki pulled out a huge bottle of mayo from her pants making people wonder how much space was in there and what else was in there. Then pulled out a lid opener from her newly enlarged cleavage.

"My one, my love…Myeeehh Prreehhhccciiooousss!!" in the Gollum-esque fashion with all the bad English stroking her mayo bottle.

"I thought I was your precious?" Shizuru sobbed.

"You were."

"Was it all the cheating and everything?" Shizuru sobbed some more.

"No. Actually."

"Then what was it?" Shizuru cried.

"YOU GAVE ME CRABS!! THAT YOU GOT FROM HER!" Natsuki waved her fist in anger.

Natsuki pointed to Anh Lu or Ein-onee-sama as she is referred to in the OVA. She's the chick that was Shizuru's onee-sama who gets horny for girls when she gets drunk with the funny Krillin like spots on her forehead but the same haircut as Fiar which makes wonder if she isn't the same character model with a different hair color. Anh/Ein waved at them making them all wonder where these people were coming from.

"Fortunately I also released the cure for all STDs in the global dispersal system so you don't have to worry about that anymore."

"Oh thank God," Anh/Ein and Shizuru sighed in relief.

3 seconds later Natsuki randomly announced over TV and Radio.

"I'm bored, so I'm restoring everyone's libido so you can put Digimon back on."

Subsequently everyone was given back their libidos and the TV companies marathon played all the seasons of Digimon on every channel making Natsuki very happy.

"Does this mean we can have sex now?" Shizuru pleaded.

"Sorry ask me next week."

Shizuru's screams of frustration could be heard across the world and 40 minutes and 59 seconds hadn't even passed yet.

**Next Chapter: **Load Condom Cartridge! Speaks for itself don't it.


	5. Load Condom Cartridge!

Author's Note: Sorry but it seems that between studying and stuff I don't have enough brain power left to juggle writing something as convoluted and epic as My MEGAMI so that'll be put off for quite some time until I can get some free time to make more plot. In the meantime God of Smex can keep going due to its randomness and simplicity. Not to mention extreme shortness of chapters.

The God of Smex: The Epic of Natsuki

Chapter 05: Load Condom Cartridge!

Shizuru was pissed, no that isn't right she was very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very not pissed. In fact she looked but pissed wasn't pissed, I cannot emphasize on how not pissed she was even though she looked very much pissed off. In fact Shizuru was not someone who could really get pissed off, clearly this is not someone you can piss off…I think that's enough well after stressing the point that she cannot be pissed of I will finally leave the topic of how impossible it is to piss her off and focus on that she was not pissed but in fact very horny. You see Shizuru replaced the part of her brain (yah her brain not her heart, I mean come its just a big muscle pump for Gott's sake) with the label 'pissed off' on it with sexually frustrated. Coincidentally she replaced nine-tenths of the part responsible for hungry with lustful, eight-tenths of annoyed with aroused, sad with with 'unsatisfied', bitter with 'disappointed' and several other majority portions with sexually driven, horny, perverted and weasel (don't ask about the last one I saw it on a forum…).

Subsequently she attempted to 'slake her lust' (what the phrase is rated PG) with every other girl she could get her hands or various other body parts I will not elaborate upon on and did things that will not be described in anything lower than a RRR rated fanfic which this is not. Unfortunately they all gave out in minutes leaving Shizuru sad and bitter (see above). It seemed as though Natsuki was the only who could make her happy (coincidentally the only part of her brain left untouched…mostly).

Natsuki it seemed was still annoyed at Shizuru even though it hadn't yet been even 2 hours since she first inflicted The Curse of No-Libidoness. 1 hour and 59 minutes to be exact therefore around…actually I can't be bothered calculating, isn't it weird how if its whole numbers it's easy but if it's like one digit down it becomes impossibly hard. Weird hey? Anyway Shizuru had resorted to trying to seduce Natsuki all over again, several attempts involving rope, chains and a giant chicken (don't ask about that either) Shizuru was about to give in when…Natsuki made an announcement.

"I've gone straight," the Gakuenchou announced. "Men all the way forever."

"NNNOOOOOOO!!!!!" Shizuru's screamed of outrage reach the Heavens.

"Poor girl, poor girl," Jebus sympathized.

And then Shizuru bolted awake screaming.

"Oh thank god, it was just a dream," she panted.

"What's the matter honey?" Reito asked butt-naked in bed with her also butt-naked.

"NNOOO!!!" Rad screamed jerking awake covered in sweat. "Dear god, I had a dream I wasn't a cyborg and my voice didn't sound like Stephen Hawkings and Shizuru was…" he suddenly started to cry.

"Hey what's the matter?" Tate asked in his boxer shorts carrying a cup of coffee and smoking a cigarette.

"Oh Tate-poo…I need a hug."

"So that's where you went!" Mai exclaimed.

"AAHHH!!" Natsuki bolted awake… "EUREKA I HAVE IT!!"

Suddenly Eureka from Eureka 7 appeared however Rei Ayanami subsequently showed up and dragged her with two NERV agents to court over copyright infringements.

[85.6 seconds later…I like rice!

Natsuki made another announcement this time on this really big podium thingie that overlooked the whole city but had an unusually large road leading up to it that would in practice allow all of the populace to swarm to the podium en masse. No one was exactly sure how it got there.

"How in Sailor Moon's name did that get there?" Nina asked pointing.

"And why does it look disturbingly phallic?" Arika asked surprising everyone but her moment of intelligence.

"Actually all things pointy or made for destruction are generally phallic including knobbly shaped flails," Yohko pointed out.

"So what's the big announcement?" Mashiro asked.

On cue Natsuki appeared flying on the Battlestar Galactica which beamed her down onto the podium, yes it can do that because I say it can do that. The absurdly large TV screen behind which is definitely plasma and high def and the massive sub-woofers around her (which oddly looked like really woofers or dogs) blared to life as she made her global announced. Fearful of the wrath…is pronounced wrath or wroth? Actually I don't care anyway she made them all shit themselves by the mere mention of her name so everyone had resorted to calling her 'She who is the patron being of the happy time who shall not be named or spoken off as she might smite us all with the unhappy time but whom we shall all respect and bow to for said aforementioned reason'. Principally because this name was way too long and complicated to remember and also because they were afraid if they screwed it up she'd smite them they decided to nick-name her Nats-chan which coincidentally sounds like Nuts-chan which was the name of the pet squirrel I once had…til he was eaten by a monitor lizard, those things are nasty. Oh and everyone listenned to her.

"Ahem! People of Earl I have just now invented a special type of device that will solve all our Otome problems and then some. Here!" She pulled out a white plastic thing no one had ever seen before but what we all know is a condom. "This is my latest invention, it's call the condom. When applied to the spear of a man it prevents all the you-know-what from getting into the you-know-where thus preventing pregnancy, transmission of STDs and most importantly loss of Otome powers though technically they still lose their virginity this prevents the nanos from going bye-bye. And to prove it NINA!!"

In the blink of an eye Natsuki used Instant Transmission to grab Nina and bring her back to the podium where she slapped an Otome GEM on her ear, certified and made her materialize.

"This is proof she's still an Otome but…this is proof she's not a virgin."

The following scenes will not be described but you should get the gist of it if I mention pr3n, loli and Nina all in one sentence. Needless to say everyone had massive nosebleeds, children below sex-ed age that weren't blindfolded and ear-muffed in time were subsequently set to brainwashing camp aka school and Nina was something between happy, horny and horrified…hey I used 3 Hs.

"Otou-san why did give Gakuenchou-sama our home video?" Nina asked Sergay.

"Nina…I did try to resist but then she sicked rabid Irish flesh-eating hamsters on me so I had no choice but to submit," Sergay gravely replied nursing his bandaged wounds.

"Were they white or pink?'

"White."

"Ok fair enough, you did well otou-san," Nina commended and patted him on the back.

Suddenly the Starship Enterprise showed up and dropped a big box the size of my high-def TV screen depicting the Battle of Gondor made from smaller pink boxes that contained the condoms in packets.

"Officially I'm selling these at 10 dollars a pop, that's 10 packets in one box. Now if everyone would just…" when she turned her head back to see the city the large road in front of her as foreshadowed was filled with the endless carpet of people that were the Windbloomians, to make matters more messed up Natsuki could see from her vantage point which is really damn high the masses of bodies from other cities all screaming for condoms…ok that sounded really wrong.

"I see, well it's a good thing I brought this," and thus she brought out the PLOT DEVICE aka the jar of infinite mayo and ate some. "Materialize."

Finally she materialized eating her mayo then with Popeye sound effects and what my mum said sounded like someone with constipation (Aka the super saiyans) she turned into a MAGICAL SUPER GIRL WITH SPIKY GLOWING BLONDE HAIR of course she's always had evil glowing green eyes and really white so that's not really important. Of course she didn't become all muscular and stuff that would be wrong but the light really did highlight her features making Shizuru even more horny wondering what it would be like to make out with Super Natsuki.

"Hey do you think her crotch hair also glows?" Nao asked earning her many, many gaping stares right before Natsuki kamehamahaed her with her cannon.

"I REGRET NOTHING!" Nao screamed as she flew away into the distance.

Very dramatically Natsuki assumed a battle stance that Bruce Lee once dubbed the toilet stance that subsequently every DBZ, One Piece and Bleach male-character has mimicked at least once and materialized HOLY MOTHER OF CALCULUS WHAT THE ALGREBRA IS THAT!! THAT!! happened to be a pair of absurdly large gatling cannons that appeared to be made from several of her normal elements welded together which interestingly despite the theme of this fanfic did not feature anything lewd or particularly phallic. Said cannons were attached to pipes leading to a machine that had suddenly appeared out of nowhere where all the condom boxes had gone into and Natsuki's robe had using its tentacles restrained itself around multiple pillars that had been erected around Natsuki's podium, ok even that sounds wrong on so many levels and I've made it worse by drawing attention to it now. Natsuki smirked and made a battlecry.

"LOAD CONDOM CARTRIDGE!!" she cried and as ordered her cannons loaded the condom boxes. "FIRE!!"

She unleashed a torrent of pink boxes loaded with the contraceptives upon the oncoming hoards which resulted in all of them comically flying back to wherever it was they came from while the money from their wallets mysteriously flew from their pockets to a giant glass jar Natsuki had behind her all of a sudden.

"Where the hell did that come from?" Irina asked straining her eyes to see the glass.

"Its glass it's see through," Erstin explained.

"Oh."

Natsuki eventually satisfied everyone with her new invention and needless to say the world was noisy for quite a while. Not to mention Kazuya and Akane finally, finally, FINALLY got to have sex!! Oh and Mahya joined in for the hell of it.

"You know when I think about it with all the super technology we have now why didn't we invent condoms centuries ago and save a lot of women a lot of grief. Come to think of it why the hell did it take a sexless God who had a yaoi dream to come up with it?" Mashiro asked.

"God knows…Let's ask her?" Arika enthusiastically replied.

Seeing the logic in her suggestion (is that possible?!) they all went to see Natsuki who was currently in the process of having her 1000 ft. tank of money divided between faculty costs, personal costs, various other highly necessary costs and welfare for the poor among many things which the money easily covered all of it serious and sensible. In the end she coverted the remaining nigh-infinite to credits and spread them across the world making her even more godly.

"Natsuki-sama?" Arika began.

"Plotless forced lesbian schoolgirl sex," Natsuki replied.

Everyone nodded satisfied with the answer to the above question.

Subsequently she also invited a large number of other contraceptives including the pill, invented various other fun things to use in the bed made of plastic, a book called Kruger Sutra and a copy of Elvis' Greatest Hits digitally remastered further rooting her position as the God of Smex. But still…

"Can we have sex now Natsuki?" Shizuru begged.

"…Ok…"

"Damnit I…Oh wait…………………HAPPY TIME!!"

[Much needed you-know-what later…Hey wait that wasn't supposed to happen yet…oh well on with the randomness…

Shizuru was satisfied, finally after 4 chapters she had her smex unfortunately she was so worn out by the no-sexness for 40 minutes that her performance value went down and it hadn't even been 3 minutes since Natsuki said yes.

"Shizuru I must say I'm disappointed in you," Natsuki dryly commented.

Shizuru simply moped in the corner.

"So what are we going to do with all the money?" Arika asked.

"Umu…" Natsuki pondered. "HALO 2!!" she got on the table and announced.

Shizuru in response ripped off her clothes and started swinging from the chandelier but was mostly ignored until Miss Maria knocked off her with a broomstick and prodded her into submission.

"Why Halo?" Erstin asked.

"HAAAALLOOO!!" the Covenant and Master Chief droned with Natsuki.

"Oookkkaaayyy!!" everyone responded.

[Much Halo 2 later…

Natsuki owned everyone and was very happy. She also got bored and owned the Halo characters who had showed up. Shizuru was busy flirting with Cortana while the discussing the possibility of making Natsuki a Spartan and giving her a Mjolnir armor then turning herself into an AI to put into her slot. Ok that also sounds wrong but good in a way.

"Is that what you do everyday in your spare time?" Nina asked with a quirked eyebrow.

"Hey it's not like I can do anything else."

"Good point."

"So now what?" Irina asked.

"…I shall invent my next greatest achievement!" Natsuki announced and disappeared exit stage right, right through a wall that suddenly vanished at her approach and reappeared when she left.

"This is starting to get worrisome," Mashiro duly noted.

"What Natsuki-sama's ever increasing author granted powers or the fact that her inventions are getting whackier and whackier?" Nina asked.

"Actually her inventions are pretty sensible they just don't fit in an anime."

"Mmmh," Everyone nodded in agreement.

"Who's up for nachos!" Yohko announced.

"Oh me! Me! Me!" everyone jumped to the sound of nachos including Cortana.

[Meanwhile…

In the depths of Natsuki's bedroom the Great God of Smex Natsuki Kruger was busy forging her next mighty artifact, one so powerful it would change the world forever, it would shake the heavens and sunder the very firmanent of reality.

"I did, I invented…GLOW IN THE DARK CONDOMS!!"

Dramatic music suddenly played in the background and fireworks went off. Needless to say the world's richest and most powerful being got richer and more powerful and a hell of a lot crazier.

**Next Chapter: **The Church of Natsuki Krugerism


	6. The Church of Natsuki Krugerism

The God of Smex: The Epic of Natsuki

Chapter 06: The Church of Natsuki Krugerism

Being a God was proving to rather boring, a lot of nachos and Halo later Natsuki was having difficulty finding something to do. Shizuru had gone off to practice with the other girls whatever it was she practiced with other girls. Yes, she was practicing chess, with their fingers and minds…ah you know what I'm talking about heh heh heh…Anyway Natsuki was alone, all alone, alone I tells you alone. She had yet to come up with a good invention since all that S&M gear she invented an hour ago and those other things she invented 10 minutes ago. The world was looking to be permanently pacified thanks to the intervention of the God of Smex. Though Natsuki herself had yet to decide upon an actual title, truth be told she was actually completely unaware that she had been deified. Even less aware that a Church was actually in the making and by making I mean they've already finished with it and are just getting to the part we they start the Holy Crusades which as far as anyone is aware began with a pub crawl followed by the large whole sale use of condoms.

It was then that Natsuki came up with a brilliant idea.

"I know I'll call myself the God of MOE!!"

"Isn't that my position?" asked Mai confusing Moe fetish for Moe fire…Japanese is really confusingink.

"…FK!!"

[8 seconds later…Wait that did even take 8 seconds to…oh…

"Anyone seen Mai?" Arika asked.

"Which part of her?" Nina replied.

"Her body," Arika answered.

"Oh that's good then, her clothes are in the wash her body is still in the Gakuenchou's office. We might want to wait a while."

Strange thumping and screaming could be heard from the confines of Natsuki's nice office.

[Meanwhile in the office of two attractive women…that sounds like a Hentai movie actually…

"Hah I beat your a;€) again!" Natsuki proudly proclaimed.

"Alright fine, you win at Dance Dance Revolution," Mai panted dressed in casual clothes.

"One thing I want to ask though, how do you move around so nimbly with those giant boobs. Don't they like slam into your face all the time? They did when I had them enlarged."

"Actually they do, which is why girls like use wear those extra tight bras."

"Oh so that's the reason. Ahahaha I just thought that was just to attract straight guys and lesbians."

"Oh no, if I wanted to that I wouldn't even wear a bra ahahaha!"

[Much later…

"OMFG!! WTF!!" said Natsuki very loudly.

"What happened?" everyone asked as they smashed through her door to find her watching TV and when I mean everyone I mean anyone who gets to be named in the next ten seconds though mainly Shizuru who was the first in.

Without getting any answer Natsuki went Overfiend on them materialized her robe grabbed them all with her tentacles and sped off to Aries.

[One tentacle scene later…No there wasn't any smex involved…sorry to disappoint everyone.

"You know that reminded me of that incident 3 years ago," Shizuru recounted.

"Incident 3 years ago?" Nina asked flatly already anticipating what it was.

"Oh yes, you see three years ago short after Natsuki and I began doing our jobs as Columns…suddenly I just got a boner joke…"

Everyone was confused on the account that on Earl the word boner had not yet been invented except for 36 seconds ago by the God of Smex.

"We ran into a horde of tentacle monster SLAVEs."

"Oh oh what happened after that?!" Arika squealed.

"Oh not much Natsuki raped them all to death, except for that one purple one she named Earny she ended up stuffing in the basement to handle her tax invoices."

[Somewhere else, you know where.

"Hey Earny you do with that memo yet?" Natsuki barked at the large tentacle monster holding many ink pens.

"No, I'm sorry I'm not done yet," it squeaked.

"Earny," Natsuki murmured menacingly. "Do you want to feel my insides again?"

"NO!NO!PLEASE NO!I'LL WORK HARDER!I'LL WORK HARDER JUST PLEASE NO!!"

[And we're back!

"That was very freaky," everyone noted.

"Yeah," Shizuru pervertedly smiled.

When they got to Aries they found a most unusual scene.

"OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED!?" Haruka asked all shocked like.

"Well I would have to say that in our abscense a religion now known as Natsuki Krugerism hail to the Smex has been created. A huge part of the city has been turned into a veritable Vatican only better and they're making statues of Natsuki albeit in a very appropriate fashion that depicts the God of Smex," Yohko analysed and was smacked by a golden brick drenched in lemon juice and mayonnaise by said God.

"How does that look like me, my boobs are not that small and my ass is not that big nor that fat!!" Natsuki ranted.

"Ah that would be because the statues were carved by Greeks and the paintings by the French."

P.S. In case anyone is wondering the Greeks all carved their chicks small boobed, big assed and fat and all the men had big muscles and small ding dongs even before steroids were invented. The French also did the same only they painted it. Though how a bunch of Greeks and Frenchies got to Earl when they're all Japanese speaking pseudo-Euros is beyond me.

"AAARRGGGHH!!!" screamed Natsuki.

[Twice your daily recommended level of GAR!! And censorships later…

Natsuki had unexpectedly done the mature and heavily in-character thing to do and politely request that they change everything. Afterwards what was created were instead giant plastic anime figurines which while not better made more sense and thus was left in peace.

The Great God of Smex had turned in for the night but not before throwing a videotape at Shizuru for leaving the toilet seat up.

"Why did you leave the toilet seat up?" Nina asked.

"Oh it's not actually a toilet seat that?" Shizuru replied.

"It isn't!?" Irina asked.

"Nope I replaced all of the toilets on the campus with special domination traps that hold fast their victims if they sit in it without bringing down the toilet seat. Though in retrospect I really should have gone for the toilet-seat down brand."

"All of them?" Yohko asked suddenly worried.

"Yup all of them…Oh s:0t…"

[Mu…

"Oh don't worry I already changed them all back to normal," Natsuki annouced who then suffocated Shizuru half to death with her thighs and went back to sleep.

"I…regret…nothing," Shizuru exclaimed and died/passed out.

"You know that was the first technique she used to defeat me back in our Coral days back when Shizuru stopped distracting here," Mai revealed.

"So was mine," Nao also revealed. "Except it lasted twice as long and she had baby oil."

"SHE WHAT!!" Shizuru bolted awake her head inflated to gigantic proportions with evil red eyes staring at Nao.

"Just kidding."

"Oh good," she popped her head with a pin and it went back to normal.

"It was vaseline."

A fight broke out involving two overpowered Otome above the skies of Windbloom though it looked more like a purple blob trying to sexually molest and violate a green blob.

"Wow I wonder what those are, eh Shizuru-san?" Nao asked eating crumpets and drinking tea with Shizuru in the porch while watching the glowing orbs.

"I wouldn't know Nao I wouldn't know," Shizuru replied also eating crumpts and drinking in the porch.

By the way they were two different species of houseflies also named Otome. Don't ask.

"Now what?" Arika asked.

"Now?" Nao replied.

"Yes now, what should we do now Nao?"

"I say we watch this video right now Nao," Erstin recommended, said videotape was the one Natsuki threw at Shizuru.

"Ok, let's watch this video right now…this video entitled Duran Kuga; Garderobe Royale."

[Elsewhere in Natsuki's room, no not that Discworld place…it was Discworld right?!

"I've done it! I've finally done it! I have! I have…a cure for no-libidoness. I gotta show this to Shizuru.

**Next Chapter: **Shaken and Stirred, ie. More yuri.

**Author's Notes: **Sorry about the bad grammar it's hard to keep a straight face never mind a straight mind while writing this. I have some free time now so I'll try and write more My MEGAMI.


	7. Shaken not stirred

The God of Smex: The Epic of Natsuki

Chapter 07: Shaken and Stirred, ie. More Yuri…but with toys…oh dear GOD NO!!

The other girls (meaning that large horde of virgin lesbians, yes the entire speaking named female cast. I swear this show has more lesbians that even marimite but interestingly less than Strawberry Panic. Hey did you know that Mai Nakahara who plays Mai Tokiha and Ai Shizumi who plays Mikoto are also lesbians in Strawberry Panic and in real life. Not surprising is it. More amusing is that Naomi Shindou (Shizuru) and Saeko Chiba (Natsuki) aren't. Saeko's married and homocidal. You know what else is funny Yukari Tamura who's Midori is also Nanoha and she's a lesbian. Rie Tanaka who plays Tomoe was Yomi from Azumanga…and the Chobit. How freaky is that! I also can't believe that Ami Koshimizu (Nina) was School Rumble's Tsukamoto Tenma among others. Sadly Ryoka Yuzuki (Haruka) is straight, Mamiko Noto (Yukino) probably isn't though even though she was the Witchblade. Mika Kikuchi (Arika) is Super Sentai Pink unsurprisingly. Oh and Yuji Ueda (Takeda) was Keitaro from Love Hina duuhh! Sanae Kobayashi (Akira) became Allen Walker I swear she plays more guys that girls, oh and Lucy from ELFEN LIED OHMIGOD!! She's more homocidal than Naomi! Oh and can you believe Yuuki Nanri (Nao) has always played sweet roles like Henrietta from Gunslinger Girls…actually that's still pretty scary…And Yuko Miyamura (Alyssa) was Asuka Langley Soryuu…fBeePk…there are more but I don't care about so hahah!)

"Yohko who are you talking to?" Arika asked a manic looking Yohko who was talking to a wall with the words "fanfic audience" written on it.

"Oh nothing, just subtly influencing the young impressionable minds of our audience," Yohko slyly replied.

"What audience?"

"Uh…you know what forget I said anything."

"Ok." And Arika knocked her brains out with a purple brick but being a underrated cartoon they grew back because you can't kill people randomly in a PG rated film. Interestingly you can do it in a G rated film though, just look at Lion King.

"Disney warps young children's minds!" Midori randomly appeared and moaned like a zombie.

"Go away Nanoha no one likes Magical Lyrical Girl Nanoha!" Nina scolded and Midori ran away crying but fell out the window and landed on her head. Seriously Magical Lyrical Girl Nanoha is really bad and I hate Nanoha. I think Mai-Hime and Mai-Otome are the only good magical girl series out there with characters you can actually believe and get to like. Unless they make Mahou Shoujo Ai a series (pist it's porn).

"Yohko are you talking to the wall again?" Arika asked.

"Shut up no one asked you!"

Arika cried…again…

"Anyway we all gathered in the entertainment room to watch those videos we found, just what are they?" Mashiro asked.

"Well let's watch and find out," Nina pointed out.

[A lot of yuri, shoujo-ai, chicks with boomsticks and snappy suits later that clearly showed Natsuki and all of the Otome who got drunk and made homemade videos of themselves having sex and somehow put it together in a snappy James Bond rip-off with conspicious quotes such as "The name's Kuga, Duran Kuga" with a Sean Connery accent (yes he has his own accent) and "Shaken not stirred" with conspicious amounts of innuendo and "Do you expect to me talk?" when Natsuki is about to be tentacled hornied by a mutated Shizuru later…geez that has got to be the longest flashback bar in history…No wait if it's in history what about everything else like fanfictions…ah screw it.

"I've done it! I've finally done it! I have! I have…a cure for no-libidoness. I gotta show this to Shizuru.

Natsuki came busting into the room.

"Hey where's the end quotation on that?" Erstin pointed out.

Everyone looked up.

"Oh yeah. My bad," Natsuki apologized.

"People we can't keep breaking the fourth wall like this, eventually it will simply stop rebuilding itself," Yohko pointed out but was ignored.

"Anyway after all these ages I've finally invented a cure for my problem."

"Didn't you start working on that 10 minutes ago?" Nina asked and was also ignored.

"What your no-libidoness?" Arika asked.

"No my full body contagious rash disease…oh course my no-libidoness you Pink Ranger idiot. And now I'll…"

Suddenly Yang Guifei, Marie Antoinette and Arashi Artai from the mangaverse appeared…without color because they've never been colored.

"HOLY FBeepK…who are the hell are you guys."

[A long time later.

The group simply couldn't figure out who these random manga characters were due to the simple fact that the manga sucks and no one freakin reads it. When they finally read the manga they molested the three girls to death and feed them to Natsuki's rabid Irish hamsters. Hey all fans hate the mangas the guys just read them because it's basically porn. Oh and the lesbians.

"Ok now that that's over, I'm going to drink my cure," Natsuki announced.

[Cue dramatic slowmo scene…wait are these boxes used for those? Oh bone it.

Then Nagi appeared.

"Hello."

Then Arika grabbed Natsuki's cure and shoved it down his throat glass and all.

"BLARGH!! MY OESOPHAGUS!!"

"Uh, that's made of sugar-coated edible plastic you know," Natsuki the Almighty God of Smex pointed out.

"Oh right, thank you oh God of Smex."

"Hey I was wondering why do they call her God of Smex and not Goddess of Smex."

"No that would imply she just fbleepks a lot, God of Smex implies that she doesn't fbeepk but stops other people from fbeepking."

"Oh."

"Anyway girls that wasn't the cure, this is the cure," she pulls out another oversized bottle from her pants.

Then Arika grabbed it and shoved it down Shizuru's throat.

"NNNOOO!!!" Natsuki screamed. "Are you crazy!! Shizuru is already a creature with infinite libido. If you add another source of infinite libido to her infinite libido then you'll create an infinite improbability sex drive!"

"And what does that do?"

"Oh not much it just rips open holes in the space-time continuum."

"Oh is that all, I thought it might just do something kinky."

[One kinky looking blackhole which sucked them all in later. "I hate poetic irony!" Arika screamed as she was sucked into the odd looking hole…is there a female version for phallic?

"Well that sucked, we're still in Gardrobe," Mashiro sighed disappointed and everyone failed to register the pun.

"Hey are the rest of us ever going to say anything?" Chie asked right before Natsuki turned her into a duck with her Godly powers and stuffed into an empty mayo jar. To keep her company she also turned Aoi into a pickle and stuffed her in her pocket.

"You sure nothing changed?" Nina asked.

"Actually according to my sensors we have gone back 3 weeks into the past," Miyu announced.

"Oh Miyu you look so young and fresh," Arika commended. "And you Ms. Maria you look so…eh…never mind."

"Dude it's been like 3 weeks."

"So this fanfiction didn't even last 3 hours?"

"Hey I remember this, this is when I tried to steal underwear from Natsuki's closet," Shizuru stated. Natsuki had already gone off to play Halo 3 on her new Xbox 360.

"Oh great so Shiznat finally destroyed the fabric of the universe," Mashiro groaned.

"It was on a day like this that I decided that I'd run a panty raid on Natsuki's closet."

"It was today you oversexed idiot and why would you panty raid your girlfriend's closet whose underwear you share with anyway?" Yohko asked, Shizuru punched her the face and continued with her story.

[Flashback…Hey wait a second why do we need a flashback this is the day it happens why not just go and watch. Then Shizuru punched Yohko in the face again.

Shizuru dressed up as Solid Snake snuck into Natsuki's room.

"This is Solid Shizuru, do you read me Harukacon?"

"Yes," Yukino replied. "And why am I doing this again? And stop calling me Harukacon."

"Conspicious amounts of Haruka porn. Harukacon."

"Oh yeah."

[End flashback.

"Well that was quick, what the hell happened?" Nina asked.

"Well let's just say that Natsuki doesn't wear underwear and instead fills her closet with unusually large amounts of itching powder oh and vaseline and jars of highly corrosive acid."

"I've invented the internet!" Natsuki yelled randomly.

"The what?"

Over the course of the next couple of seconds Natsuki revolutioned the world yet again by creating computers and the internet. Though as expected all people used it for was MSN, porn, ebay, blog and youtube courtesy of more invention and recovery by the God of Smex. Thus completely solidifying herself as the undisputed God of Earl, the mighty God of Smex and thus ended her Epic Journey. And in this entire time. Did Shizuru ever get her happy time with Natsuki…Nope!! Not at all.

**The End**

Shizuru: "NO wait a second I demand a redo I de…TV switches off"

**Epilogue**

Shizuru: Well I thought that was pretty pointless.

Natsuki: Shut up bitch I pay to fbeepk not to think!


End file.
